If I told you that I was in a toxic, codependent relationship that was [literally] slowly killing me every day, you would tell me to leave! If I told you that this relationship had been an unhealthy part of my life since adolescence, and that I was too deeply entrenched to break free, you would probably tell me to get help. If I told you that this relationship was chipping away at my self-esteem, self-worth, mental health, ability to get through the day, immunity, physical health and well-being, you would (hopefully) again, urge me to GET OUT OF IT.
Unfortunately, the relationship that I'm describing is not one that I could divorce myself from completely, nor was it a thing I could live without. I was not only completely obsessed, I was completely dependent.
This may sound ridiculous, until I tell you that this relationship was my relationship with food. I couldn't end this relationship gracefully, because I couldn't just stop eating!
The first few years of my marriage were very stressful and at times, deeply upsetting. I was 8 months pregnant with my first child and had just turned twenty when my husband and I got married. I had no idea what I was doing, and our relationship hadn't been in a healthy place prior to marriage, and the unhealthy pattern only continued once we were thrown into the stress of parenthood. I had terrible postpartum depression that medication wasn't helping. To cope, I ate. I figured, "everything is terrible right now anyway, what difference does it make if I'm fat too?" Before long, I was pregnant again with my second child. My first two children were born 19 months apart, and the stress of having two under the age of two, plus another round of postpartum depression and anxiety only made my problems with food worse. I became pregnant again when my second baby was six months old and still dealing with mental illness, and I miscarried very early in that pregnancy. Within the same month of our miscarriage, I was diagnosed with mono, cytomegalovirus, irritable bowel syndrome, and thyroid disease. I was probably in the worst health that I've ever been in, mentally and physically. When the stress continued and I spiraled mentally, I ate more, and more, and more.
I don't know when my problems with food formally evolved into an eating disorder. I do know that I very quickly lost touch with my physical self. I was too overwhelmed by my rapid weight gain and illness, so I just detached from my physical body. I didn't look at my reflection, didn't step on the scale, didn't go to the Doctor, and cut the tags out of my clothes so I never had to look at what size they were. For a while, I avoided going to any Doctors, even though I desperately needed medical attention, because I knew I would have to get on the scale and I just didn't want to know what it would say. I would be forced to face reality, and I couldn't stand the thought.
When I felt sick, I ate. When I felt lonely, I ate. When I felt sad, anxious, hopeless, overwhelmed, bored, happy, numb, etc... I ate. When I felt too much emotion at once, I ate to numb myself out. When I didn't feel anything, I ate to evoke emotion. Food was my spouse, my support system, my best friend, and my doctor.
The longer this cycle continued, the sicker I got. I became more depressed and more anxious. I was filled with hopelessness and self loathing. My self-esteem was gone. My body-confidence was non existent. This pattern was not only toxic, but it was also unsustainable.
In December of 2013, I started attending Celebrate Recovery and participated in two twelve step programs in the subsequent years to get to the root of my BED and stop the bad habits associated with it. CR was essential to my recovery, but after all was said and done, I was still eating poorly and eating way too much to get my weight under control. Towards the end of my second twelve step program, I got pregnant with my third child. I practiced a healthy lifestyle while pregnant and exercised regularly till the weekend before delivery, but postpartum depression crept back into my life, this time with a vengeance, and bringing with it all the negative patterns of eating associated with my weight gain.
When I was about 7 months postpartum, I started researching the Keto diet. The main draw, for me, was that it claimed to decrease hunger and increase satiation, and this was extremely promising for me with the current issues I was facing regarding food. No matter what I had tried up to this point, I was still extremely hungry all throughout the day, due to the fact that my stomach had been so stretched during my years of binge eating. The second interesting aspect was the lack of sugar - as someone who had become completely addicted to sugar, I knew that I had to drastically change my diet if I wanted my body and my health to change. I wasn't sure if it was actually possible, but I knew I at least wanted to try.
My first couple attempts at starting Keto were shots in the dark. I really hadn't prepared myself for success very well, and I focused too much on what I "couldn't" eat. However, after a while, Keto became the solution to my terrible relationship with food, and helped me accomplish a healthier lifestyle free of bingeing.
For me, the diets I had tried that allowed "everything in moderation" were garbage. Why? Because I was an addict. An alcoholic doesn't go into recovery and begin only drinking "in moderation." A drug addict in recovery doesn't have "cheat days" where they can do a moderate amount of drugs and then return to their drug-free lifestyle the next day. Why should I treat my addiction any differently? This seemed unfair to me at first, but eventually, I got sick of my own self-pity-enabling. I was tired of being fat and sick. And I was completely fed up with being someone who was dependent upon a "fix" of sugar to get from one part of the day to the next. I could stand from where I was and see that the cycle of "moderation" would never end, and I would remain exactly where I was if I didn't make a radical change. I was fed up with standing in my own way. I had a problem, and Keto was the solution.
I went from being completely addicted to sugar, to eating a diet with no sugar whatsoever. I went from only enjoying carb-heavy meals, to eating meals consisting of meat and green vegetables. I went from having no energy, to having an adequate amount of energy to get me through the day. And, most importantly, I went from being stuck in a vicious cycle of defeat, to an empowering pattern of self discipline and self improvement.
To learn more about binge eating disorder, please click here. If you think that you may be experiencing this eating disorder, please talk to your doctor, see a counselor, seek out a recovery program... do whatever it takes to get help.
To learn more about the Ketogenic lifestyle, and to purchase my guide to executing the Keto Diet with success, please click here!
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